Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
You Might Also Like
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af