News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
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[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.