I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
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I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.