Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
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Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Don’t tell me what to do
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this