Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
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[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?