Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
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Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
i want to work in this restaurant
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.