I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
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My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
#parenting
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
I’m giving up ice.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.