*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
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The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Google reviews are always so mixed..
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
The Struggle
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes