[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
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[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!