°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
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Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
New menu item
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.