Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
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I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Beauty and the Beast
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan