My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
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Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
The best plant holders?
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.