The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
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Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Children of the corn 🌽
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”