@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
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I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes