Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
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Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.