*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
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Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.