Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
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Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
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“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
that wasn’t the question
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.