condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
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8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.