Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
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Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
I hope Alan is OK
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!