Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
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If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!