America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
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date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.