Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
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Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.