[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
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I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
smh
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
FINE, I WON’T.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”