Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
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Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug