*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
You Might Also Like
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
why isn’t he texting back
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”