the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
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Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
The pen is writier than the sword.
it is time once again
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
My zodiac sign is pistachio