I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
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SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Breaking news:
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.