On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
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Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Matt Goss
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*