This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
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I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Noah was an idiot.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp