My favorite animal is fried chicken.
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Skills
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.