Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
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Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
#oldknees
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%