FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
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Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
HERE’S MARKY
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.