Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
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Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?