The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
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I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
channeling her this year
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”