I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
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[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.