Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
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My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
dictator is short for richard potato
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
New mindset, who dis?