The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
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I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Never forget.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way