fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
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I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Did my cat write this
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby