Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
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My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
I enjoy a good short stor
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT