I’ll be mad as hell!
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Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these