Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
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SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Candles never taste the way they smell