“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
You Might Also Like
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.