me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
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I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
starting a garage orchestra
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.