“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
You Might Also Like
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.