Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
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*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf