white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
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You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Breaking news:
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Love this guy
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal