Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
You Might Also Like
You can’t rush stupid.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
my first dose meeting my second
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription: