Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
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*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Storm Tropical Storm
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.