Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
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A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
are they though??
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back