I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
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And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.